


Why Do I Still See You In Every Mirrored Window

by Chash



Series: Weary With Right Angles [8]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Background Relationships, F/F, Past Finn Collins/Raven Reyes, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-20
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-08-23 16:13:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8334055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chash/pseuds/Chash
Summary: Raven's first soulmate left her, and she left her second, and even if she knows she did the right thing, she still can't help feeling like she's doing something wrong. Like she was supposed to be lucky, instead of just hurt.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I did say I was never gonna write the Raven/Wick part of this.

Raven is planning to drive herself from Palo Alto to Cambridge with a trailer full of the things she likes enough she doesn't want to replace, but once she starts packing, she realizes she doesn't actually have enough that it feels worth it to rent the trailer. She sells the things she doesn't care about and packs her clothes, her entertainment systems, and her nice pots and pans into the back of her car.

Wick helps, and he's the only one to see her off, with a tight hug and a, "Sorry it didn't work out."

For a second, she lets herself lean into him, soaking up his warmth. But the goodbye just feels like another sign that she was better for him than he was for her; she's got this amazing opportunity, fucking _MIT_ , and an exciting new life, and he takes it as one last chance to remind her that they broke up and he's sad about it. He didn't mean it like that, but that doesn't mean she doesn't hear it like that. And that's a bad place to be, in a relationship.

Soulmates can work. She knows they can. She's got evidence all around her. But that doesn't make it _better_. If she knew everyone's soulmates were as tough as hers, that would help. But everyone else is complicated in the wrong ways; no one else had their first soulmate cheat on them, only to have a second soulmate show up, like magic, a foreordained second chance. And he was fine, but--

Raven doesn't mind putting in effort. She doesn't mind working for good things. But Finn didn't want to do the work with her, and Wick doesn't have to. Finn didn't believe in them enough, and Wick believes in them too much, and Raven deserves someone who makes her feel like they're on the same page.

It's what a soulmate is supposed to be, but it's not what her soulmates are.

She lets go of Wick. "Thanks for the help. I'll miss you."

"Tell Bellamy hi for me." He smiles with half his mouth. "Take care of yourself, Reyes."

It's the last thing anyone needs to tell her; that's all Raven's ever done.

She doesn't rush the drive, not when she's alone. She loves driving, always has, and loves it even more since her accident. It's the kind of thing that maybe should have freaked her out--she thought she'd be terrified to get into a car, after--but it's nice because it feels exactly the same. She moves just as quickly as she always did, feels just as free. 

It's a good trip, but she doesn't let herself draw it out too much, even though her stomach gets tighter and tighter, the closer she gets to Cambridge.

The thing is, MIT is a fucking great school. If you can do your PhD there, you do it. And it should be a slam dunk, because not only did Raven get in, with _funding_ , she even knows people in the area.

It's just that the main person she knows is Clarke, and Clarke is the third most complicated person in her life, after Finn and Wick. And she likes Clarke more than she likes either of them, but she's also never lived near Clarke. They're long-distance friends, and just because they're basically long-distance _best_ friends it doesn't mean it's going to be good in person. And if they're not, she'll lose Clarke too, and that's scarier than losing Wick. It's even scarier than losing Finn. Clarke's a person she _picked_. She wants to have good taste.

But if it's good, it's going to be _great_ , and that's probably the scariest thing. Every time she's thought her life was looking up, it didn't. This time, she really wants it to, but she doesn't know how to let herself believe.

She texts Clarke when she gets to her new apartment, and Clarke texts back before she's even made it inside: _Cool, we're at the Starbucks around the corner. Want help unpacking?_

She doesn't have to ask who _we_ is; Clarke and her soulmate aren't joined at the hip, technically, but they're a team. They're what Raven pictured, when she was a kid and thought about soulmates. They're how she figured she and Finn would be.

Most of the time, she's happy for them. Even when it's hard for her, it's not their fault.

 _Sure_ , she replies. _Knock yourselves out._

She waits propped up against her car, checking Twitter, making sure she looks as casual and relaxed as possible. Nonchalance is a kind of armor; the last thing she wants is for Clarke to think she's nervous. 

This is a good thing, right? It's supposed to be a good thing. Everything's going right and seems like it's going to keep going.

"Hey!"

Raven jerks up, and then does an actual double-take, because _we_ isn't Clarke and her soulmate. _We_ is a goddamn army.

Clarke is in the lead, but the others are clearly with her, not just innocent bystanders. Bellamy she knows from pictures, not quite as tall as she thought he would be, but otherwise as expected, all nervous smile and perfectly tousled bedhead. The others she has to guess on, but she talks to Clarke enough it's not that hard. The huge guy must be Bellamy's sister's soulmate, which means the girl next to him is probably Bellamy's sister. The three other guys are Bellamy's ex-roommate/boyfriend, his soulmate, and an unidentified dude, and she has no way of telling which is which, but she'll figure it out.

It's weird, that it makes her feel so much better to have so many of them. She's more outnumbered, but it feels like less. For the first time, she feels sure: she and Clarke are going to get along.

"Hey," she says, and gives Clarke a firm hug. They're the same height, but don't look anything alike. It bothered her at first, trying to figure out what it was that Finn liked about her. If it was just novelty, if he wanted _someone_ , and it didn't matter who, or if Clarke was special. 

Or, worse of all, if all he really wanted was the opposite of Raven.

She still doesn't know, but it doesn't bother her anymore. It doesn't matter why. She's not interested in making herself understand him. 

"Hi," says Clarke. "Welcome to Boston." She keeps one arm around Raven as she turns to the group. "That's Bellamy, I know he's not news."

"Thanks," says Bellamy, wry. But he offers her a smile. "Nice to meet you, Raven."

"Then that's Miller, Monty, Jasper, Octavia, and Lincoln. No one's going to be offended if you forget their names."

"You know I don't really have that much stuff, right? There's not a lot to move. I didn't need this much help."

"No, you totally did, that's why I'm here," says Octavia. "I assume you need more stuff, right? Clarke said you didn't bring a _bed_."

"No," Raven admits. "I got an air mattress for the first day."

"Nope, no way. We have plenty of people to unload your stuff, and I know all the best places to get cheap furniture." She glances at her brother. "Should we be really gender-essentialist here? Guys do the heavy lifting, girls do the shopping?"

"Why are you asking me? It's Raven's apartment. She might not want to leave a bunch of strangers in her apartment. Or get in the car with a bunch of other strangers. And Clarke," he adds, as an after-thought. He gives Raven a smile, all commiseration, like he's used to apologizing for his sister's enthusiasm. "Your call."

"I could use some furniture, but I'm not in a hurry."

" _Bed_ ," says Octavia. "You need a bed."

"I can drive," Clarke volunteers. "You've driven enough for a few days."

"Do you have a TV?" asks Monty.

"Yeah." Her TV is _gorgeous_ ; there was no way she was ditching that.

"We're close enough I can grab a gaming system. We won't get bored."

"I have gaming systems."

"Even better," he says. "I'm fine with having to do heavy lifting instead of going shopping. Gender roles are cool this once."

"A bed would be good," Raven admits. "Is there an IKEA nearby?"

"Not that near, but we can get there," says Octavia. "We should bring a guy for really heavy lifting."

"Miller," says Bellamy, before anyone else can offer suggestions.

"Fuck you," says Miller. But he adds, "I like IKEA."

Raven gets the apartment unlocked while Bellamy and Lincoln get started getting her stuff onto the curb. The apartment is nice, if small and too expensive, and Octavia insists on doing measurements before they take off. She's prepared for this on a level Raven finds mildly terrifying.

"Sorry for all the people," Clarke says, soft, while everyone else is distracted. "I thought we might as well get it over with."

It makes something warm glow in Raven's chest, because--this was what she was hoping for, wasn't it? Somewhere deep inside. Clarke came out here and suddenly had a family, and Raven wanted that too.

"Yeah, they're real assholes," she says, and smiles at Clarke. "Good to finally meet you."

"Yeah," Clarke says. "You too."

*

Moving to Boston feels like joining the cast of one of those long-running sitcoms about twenty-somethings trying to have it all in the big city, in a mostly positive way. Clarke, Monty, Jasper, and Octavia are still in college, but they feel grown-up in a way Raven didn't before she graduated. There's a sense of being settled into life, once you meet your soulmate, like you've found your life. Raven remembers it, even if she never quite settled in this much. They're going to finish school and keep on doing this, and Raven thinks she wouldn't mind if she got sucked into it too.

Clarke and Bellamy live in the same neighborhood she does, and Monty, Miller, and Jasper aren't much farther away. They include her in group activities easily and naturally, and she finds it just as easy and natural to go with them. There's an endearing self-consciousness at first, from Bellamy and Clarke especially, about not making her feel too left out of the soulmate thing, but it honestly doesn't bother her.

She's had her fill of soulmates. She doesn't need any more of them.

Which is why it's so annoying when, two months after she moves and just a few weeks after classes start, Jasper makes a move.

In a way, she feels like she should have seen it coming. Jasper is straight and unhappily single, with no sign of his soulmate in sight; Raven is a hot, unattached woman who's new to his social circle. It's the kind of situation where guys like that try to make moves, and she's sort of glad he got it out of the way early, and without much drama. He says he's interested, she says she's not, and he definitely does the kind of self-deprecating _of course not, no one ever is_ thing, but it doesn't feel like something that's going to cause serious, long-term issues.

Even better, she has no problem going over to Clarke and Bellamy's to complain about it. She's not worried they'll take Jasper's side, or even take sides at all. She'll complain, and they'll be sympathetic, because it's the kind of thing that sucks for everyone, and they won't make a big deal out of it.

Bellamy's the one who opens the door, looking mildly confused. "Hey, what's up? Did I know you were coming?"

"No. Are you guys busy?"

"I'm not. Clarke's meeting with her thesis advisor, she'll be back in like half an hour. Why?"

Bellamy is the kind of guy who feels like he shouldn't be easy to talk to, but really is, even for Raven. Part of her didn't want to like him, because liking him felt like ceding something to Clarke. And then she felt like an asshole, because it wasn't like it was Clarke's fault Raven got a bad soulmate. 

So it's nice, how much she likes him. He's her friend too.

"Jasper asked it I wanted to study with him, and apparently when I said yes he thought it was a date. We sorted it out, but--" She huffs. "Fuck. I'm tired of guys hitting on me, honestly."

Bellamy snorts, which helps a lot. "Yeah, it must be hard, being so popular." He slings his arm around her shoulders, gives her a quick squeeze. "Seriously, that sucks. I should have talked to him."

"You know you're not actually everybody's dad, right?"

"It's not like it was hard to see coming."

"No," she admits. "That's part of why I was annoyed. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and he let me down."

"Everyone always lets you down," he says, which is so patently false she has to smile. "Is that it?"

"Sorry, is that not enough for you?"

He shrugs. "If you're venting, you might as well vent about everything. It's annoying, but I wouldn't have expected it to get you over here unannounced. It's cool if it did," he adds, quick. "Just surprising."

It's only a little frustrating that he notices these things. "It's been a shitty week."

After a moment of studying her, he nods. "Okay, cool. I'll text Clarke to meet us at the bar."

" _The bar_?" she asks. "You have a bar now? You just drink at Miller's. Or here. You don't go to bars."

"I'm working on going to bars. I know a bartender, and that's the first step, right? Clarke wants to find out if we can get free drinks. I'm pretty sure if everyone comes we can't, but just three of us might get away with it."

"So you're using my shitty week as an excuse to try to get free booze?"

"What are friends for?" he asks, and she has to smile.

"Yeah, okay. Let's be bar people."

The bar is basically right between their apartments, small and kind of dark, not that crowded yet. It's not even five o'clock, so she's not surprised, but it's nice. A wide selection of drinks without much company sounds perfect right now.

The girl behind the bar is cute, curly hair and a nice smile that kicks up a notch when she sees Bellamy. "Hey! You made it!"

"Sorry, I'm very busy," he says. "Coming to a bar requires a lot of planning and preparation."

Raven snorts. "I showed up at your apartment unannounced and you suggested a bar."

"This is Raven," he continues, basically ignoring her. "She had a shitty week. Do we get free drinks?"

The bartender looks amused, which is part of the magic of Bellamy. There's just something about him that's endearing. Even when he's being kind of a dick.

"How shitty was your week?"

"Pretty shitty."

"You're not his soulmate, right?" she asks, considering.

"Nope," says Bellamy. "But my soulmate's coming too."

"I was going to give you a free drink because you have to put up with him," the girl teases, and Raven snorts.

"Honestly, I've put up with so much worse than him."

"That definitely deserves a free drink. Bellamy, you're paying."

"Fair enough," he says. "Raven, this is Gina. She's in my program. First year, like you. Raven's doing some science I don't even understand at MIT."

"Nice to meet you," says Gina. "What kind of free drink do you want?"

"What's the most alcoholic thing you can make me that doesn't taste like alcohol?"

"Any allergies?"

"Nope."

"Fruity or chocolatey?"

"Fruity."

"Got it. Bellamy?"

"Beer."

Gina rolls her eyes. "Who comes into a bar and orders _beer_? If you don't give me a kind, I'm giving you a Miller High Life."

"I'd deserve it. Let me check what you've got on tap."

"Pathetic," says Gina, but the fondness is clear in her voice. She shifts back to Raven, starting on her drink. "So, bad week?"

"Bad week."

"What happened?"

"You're studying history? Like Bellamy?"

"Yeah."

"Are all the guys in your program except for Bellamy assholes?"

"Wait, am I not an asshole now?" Bellamy asks. "I was pretty sure I was an asshole."

"You're not the kind of asshole I'm talking about. My program is full of guys who are convinced I only got in because I'm a latina, and they're trying to fill a diversity quotient. And it's not like I don't know they're wrong. Of course they're wrong. But, fuck, as soon as they realize I'm actually a fucking badass, I know what's going to happen. They're going to start treating me like--a magical unicorn they want to bone. It's always the same bullshit, dudes complaining there aren't any awesome, nerdy women in STEM, and then as soon as they realize I am one, they act like it's my duty to sleep with them."

"The name doesn't scare them off?" Gina asks, nodding her head to Raven's hand. _Finn Collins_ is so _obvious_ , this constant reminder of what she doesn't want.

"Most of them have names too. They just want to have some fun before they meet their soulmates. Or, worse, they met their soulmates and don't want to put the work in, because their soulmates aren't what they expected."

Gina slides her a tall glass full of pink liquid. "Is that really something people do?"

"I dumped two soulmates," she says. "I'd believe anything."

"You didn't dump them," Bellamy says, with surprising sharpness. "And only one was your soulmate."

The nice thing about moving where Clarke was was that she didn't have to explain her soulmate situation to anyone. Clarke already knew about Finn, and Bellamy found out too, because it's as much a part of Clarke's story as it is a part of Raven's. And Bellamy is the reason she knew about Wick in the first place, so Clarke kept him up to date, and they both supported her, which was one of the most surprising things. Letting go of Finn was hard, but it never felt like the wrong choice, and most anyone who heard the story got it. Breaking it off with Wick felt like turning her nose up at the universe, which had given her a second chance.

"I dumped Wick," she says.

"You barely started dating Wick," he argues. "You guys didn't work out. It's not a crime."

"I'm just curious about the logistics," says Gina. "Do you have two names?"

"No. Just this one," she says, tapping the back of her hand. "Me and him were soulmates. Mutually. But there's another guy who has my name on him. So--yeah. I threw away two soulmates."

"I'm going to tell Clarke you said that," Bellamy says. "So she can tell you it didn't."

"It's _true_. You can be supportive without pretending it didn't happen."

"Tell Gina," he says. "She can be an impartial observer."

"I'm all ears," says Gina. "I'm new to this bartender thing, I could use the practice with sob stories."

Raven taps the back of her hand again. The bad thing about moving here is that, honestly, the person who comes closest to knowing her whole story is Clarke, and even Clarke doesn't really get it. She's never just sat down and told anyone everything, from the beginning, and it feels so daunting.

But Bellamy and Gina are watching, and she's fucking _tired_. She feels like she's been tired for years.

"So, Finn. I'm a year older than he is, so I got my name before he did. And--no one ever tells you how fucking awkward that is."

"What is?" asks Gina.

"I wanted him to be my soulmate," she says. "But I had ten months before I'd know if I was his. And the name's so obvious, you know? We weren't even dating yet, but we'd talked about it. Like--let's wait and see what happens with the soulmate tattoos. I always figured we were being careful. Who wants to get attached? And he was my best friend, so if it didn't work out, that sucked. But now I figure--maybe he was hoping it wasn't me. Maybe he was disappointed."

"My sister was giving me lists of girls I knew who could be my soulmate before my birthday," Bellamy offers. "I was so glad I didn't know Clarke."

"No secret crushes you wanted to hook up with?" Raven teases, and Bellamy shudders.

"Fuck no. I was barely ready to be someone's soulmate when I was twenty-four. Eighteen would have been--no way." He glances up. "What about you, Gina?"

Her smile is a little strained. "No soulmate."

"Huh," he says. "Am I sorry? Do you want me to be sorry? Give me some pointers."

When she laughs, her whole body relaxes, and all the strain drains away. Raven could hug Bellamy, because she had no idea what to say. "No, you don't have to be sorry. I just think of it as dating on hard mode." She ducks her head, hair spilling over her shoulder. "It was really awkward for a few weeks, though. Having to tell everyone. Actually, that's still awkward."

"Like right now," Bellamy agrees. "Do you want me to buy you a drink? Would that help?"

"I'm good. I want to hear more about Raven's soulmate. I love bad soulmate stories."

Raven snorts. "Glad I can help. So, yeah. I couldn't hide it, and he called to ask anyway, so I told him, and he was--" She shrugs. "I thought he was happy. We talked about what we'd do if his birthday came around and it wasn't me, but we dated until I went to college, and went long-distance after that. It was good. And when he turned eighteen, he had my name too."

"And then he went to college and met me." Clarke gives Bellamy a quick kiss and then sits down on Raven's other side. "Keep going, I like this part."

"Because it sucked?"

"Because after, I meet you."

"Gina, Clarke. Clarke, Gina," says Bellamy. "She wants the cider you've got on tap."

"It's so cute when you order for me."

"How did you and Finn meet, anyway?" He asks. "I don't think you ever told me."

"Normal college stuff. We were in the same dorm sophomore year. It was _so_ college, honestly. All this, you know--" She waves her hand. "Conversations about love and life that felt deep but were actually just cliched bullshit. He told me he wasn't sure he believed in soulmates, but he failed to mention he already knew his."

"We talked every week," Raven says. "He failed to mention any of it to me either."

Clarke leans her head on Raven's shoulder. "He's an asshole."

"Yeah," she agrees, and doesn't point out that he's her soulmate. He might be an asshole, but he's the asshole who's supposed to be perfect for her. "Anyway, I came to visit, me and Clarke found out about each other, became friends, and dumped him. He tried to convince you to give him another chance, right?"

"Yup," says Clarke. "Did he ever try with you?"

"Not yet," Raven admits, and that hurts too. He might still, some day. It seems possible that when they're older, Finn will realize he was stupid.

Maybe they weren't meant to meet this early. Maybe they could be soulmates, once they got older. 

If he hadn't been like this.

Clarke kisses her hair. "Do you need another drink? I can buy you one."

"Oh, she's drinking free all night," says Gina. "I still want to hear about the next one."

"This is a thing for you, isn't it?" Raven says.

"I keep a list of reasons I'm happy I don't have a soulmate at home, yeah. What do you want?"

Raven hadn't really noticed she finished her first drink, but she wouldn't mind another. "That was really good."

"I'm putting less alcohol in this time," says Gina. "So, the second soulmate."

"So, after the Finn thing, Clarke transferred up here from her old school and met Bellamy. And Bellamy happened to know a guy who also had my name on him. He told Clarke, Clarke told me, and honestly I wasn't planning to do anything about it. The whole fate thing didn't work out for me before. But we were at the same conference, we ran into each other--he talked me into trying it."

"And?" Gina prompts.

"And by then, I'd gone back over every second of my relationship with Finn and decided I was more into him than he was into me. And with Wick--I felt like he was more into me than I was into him." She shrugs. "Maybe I could have tried harder. But he didn't make me want to try. And I didn't want to make myself want to."

"Like I said," says Bellamy. "You didn't do anything wrong."

But Raven's more interested in Gina's opinion. She's met a few people without soulmates before, and it always makes her feel so fucking guilty. She got _two_ , and she didn't try to make it work with either of them. It's easy for her to think she'd rather just not have a soulmate, but she'll never know what that's like. She'll always feel guilty for throwing two away, no matter what Bellamy says, and she'll never know if she'd really be happier thinking there was no one out there for here.

"What about you?" she asks Gina. "What do you think?"

"I think if you don't love someone, you shouldn't be with them," she says. "And I think letting some magic ink on your skin make you stay where you're unhappy is unfair to everyone." Her mouth tugs up in a small smile. "And I think you get free drinks for life."

The warmth in her chest is nice, and probably only sixty percent alcohol. It's just--of course Clarke was on her side. Of course Bellamy was. Gina feels more impartial. "I didn't think it was that bad," she says, and Gina's smile widens.

"Just bad enough."

*

Raven can't say she's surprised when Bellamy says, "Oh, I invited my friend Gina tonight," at their next game night.

Jasper perks up, which makes her hackles rise. It's not like there's anything _wrong_ with being single and wanting to find someone. But there is something creepy about acting like every new member of the group is a potential conquest.

"Jasper, don't be weird," Bellamy adds, before she can worry too much.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that she's coming because she's looking for friends, not a boyfriend. If she's interested, she'll let you know." He rubs the back of his neck. "She just moved here and she's not really bonding with anyone in her class. I'm trying to help. I don't want her to feel weird hanging out."

"I'm not going to do anything," Jasper mutters.

"Cool," says Bellamy. "Raven met her, she can vouch for her."

"Yeah, she seemed pretty awesome," she agrees. "I'll totally vouch."

"More awesome girls who will never date me," says Jasper, and Monty kicks him.

"Dude, I keep telling you. You're not going to find a girlfriend until you stop looking."

"Dude, I keep telling _you_ ," Jasper retorts. "I cannot actually turn this off. But I won't hit on Bellamy's friend," he adds. "Sorry. I'm not trying to be a dick."

He seems to be saying it to Raven as much as anyone, and she's not really sure how to respond.

This time, Miller has her back. "It comes so naturally to you, I can see why you're having trouble."

"Shut up," says Jasper, cheerful, and the three of them fall to bickering without much trouble. It's still a little overwhelming, being with all of them. She gets along with Clarke and Bellamy best, and then Monty and Miller, and then everyone else. She doesn't feel like a third wheel, or a fifth, or a seventh, but she does feel like _the new girl_ , so it'll probably be nice to have Gina around.

She feels like a new ally already.

Gina must think the same thing, because once Bellamy has introduced her around, she settles in next to Raven on the couch, giving her a bright smile.

"Hey," says Raven. "Glad you could make it."

"Me too. My schedule is kind of tough for socialization."

"I guess. I have enough trouble with just class stuff, and I'm not bartending on the side."

"That reminds me, you should tell me more about what you're studying. I don't know much about--any science stuff."

"My PhD might not be the best place to start," she admits. "People tend to fall asleep."

"I'm curious."

"Raven's a literal rocket scientist," Clarke pipes up.

"Really?"

"It has applications beyond just rockets," Raven says, and Gina smiles.

"So you're _better_ than a rocket scientist. I really want to hear about that."

"Just tell me when you get bored."

There's something about Gina's smile, Raven decides. She manages to be warm and amused and a little exasperated all at once, like she's laughing with you and a little bit at you, but only because she likes you so much.

"If that ever happens," Gina says, "I will."

*

Given the general sitcom vibe of her whole life, Raven is half-expecting a freak storm to destroy everyone's Thanksgiving plans, but it doesn't happen. She goes to Providence with Monty and Miller, out of a lack of anywhere else to go, and it's a lot less awkward than she expected. Monty's mom is a professor and they always have a bunch of students over, so she's just one more in the crowd, another person either unable or unwilling to go home.

As always, in settings with a bunch of new people, the worst part is Finn's name, the obviousness of it, the way everyone sees it when they shake her hand or ask her to pass something. It doesn't make sense to Raven, that soulmates are still considered a polite topic of conversation, when they're a minefield as often as not.

 _Do people ask about your soulmate at parties?_ she texts Gina.

 _Only if they think I'm cute_ , she replies. _And they're hoping._

And that's true too, Raven guesses. If your mark isn't obvious, you can get out of it. But hers is right there, the easiest conversation starter in the world. Something to ask about besides her incomprehensible PhD or the brace on her leg.

She's still in a sore mood about it a week later, so the last thing she wants is a missed call on her phone from _Finn_ , of all people. The sight of his name there is enough to stop her short, and that's kind of academically interesting. She sees his name every fucking day, but she's ready for it on her hand. On her phone, it feels like being punched.

There's no message; there's no indication it wasn't an accident, except it lasted long enough to register as a missed call.

It's not until she's pushing open the door of the bar that she realizes she went _there_. Not to Clarke and Bellamy, but to Gina. Even though Clarke--

Clarke doesn't get it, though. Bellamy gets it more, in a way, not for himself, but for his mother, who gave up her soulmate and knows it every day. Between the two of them, she gets sympathy and understanding for days. And she loves them for it. 

But she wants to see Gina.

Gina looks ridiculously pleased about it too, which makes her feel like it was the right choice. She and the rest of their friends stop by the bar at least once a week each while Gina is on shift, but she's always especially happy to see them on weekdays, which tend to be kind of dead.

"Hey! Don't tell me class was so bad you have to drink the pain away."

"I wish," says Raven, and she sobers instantly.

"What's wrong?"

"I missed a call from my soulmate."

"Asshole," Gina says instantly, and Raven laughs.

"He didn't even leave a message."

"And now you're trying to figure out what to do?"

Raven taps her fingers against his name. "I want him to be calling me because he knows he fucked up and he wants me back."

There's a pause, longer than usual. She realizes why when Gina slides her a cocktail. "I think he would have left a voicemail for that."

"Or he'll call back." 

"And you want him to."

There's something in her tone that makes Raven jerk to attention, but her face is open and interested, with no sign of tension at all.

"No. Fuck. I just--I hate feeling like he's the one who didn't want me. I was--it's so fucking unfair, that I dumped him and he didn't even care. He's sorry he hurt me but he doesn't want me, and I don't want him to get to feel like that. I hate that he gets to feel sorry for me instead of being heartbroken."

Gina considers, and then asks, "Do you know what I hate most about not having a soulmate?"

It's a question Raven has thought about a lot, if she's honest. Maybe _too_ much, because it's weird, right? She thinks about it not as a general thing, but for Gina specifically, because--she really wants to know.

"What?" she asks.

"Every time I meet someone, I hope they don't have a soulmate. And the more I like them, the more I don't want them to. And I feel so bad, that I hope they're like me." Her smile is soft enough to break Raven's heart. "I made it through the first two weeks of the semester with a crush on Bellamy before I found out about Clarke."

It makes Raven's heart twinge, because of course she would. Bellamy's the kind of guy it's probably easy to fall for, if you don't know how taken he is. And he's _so_ taken. 

"I can't believe he went two whole weeks without mentioning Clarke," she settles on saying, and it makes Gina laugh.

"He doesn't talk about his personal life as much at school." She bites her lip, but must decide it's worth going on, because she leans forward like she's going to tell Raven a secret. "I really wanted what you got."

"Which part specifically?" Raven asks.

"My best friend, Niylah," she says. "I wanted her to be my soulmate. We never talked about it, but--I had such a huge crush on her. And we were going to the same college, so it felt like it would be perfect."

"Fuck," says Raven. "Who's older?"

"She is. So she got another girl's name, and two months later, I didn't get anything."

"I'm sorry," Raven says, and Gina shrugs.

"I'm sorry you have to have his name on you," she says. "It's--I get that it can be great. Clarke and Bellamy, Miller and Monty, even Lincoln and Octavia--I want that. But that's not always what you get."

"No."

"But it still feels bad. Hoping people won't get the chance at something like that. Just because I want them."

"You don't need a soulmate to be happy," Raven says. "Trust me."

"I do," says Gina. She worries her lip, and then she puts her hand over Raven's, right on Finn's name, and squeezes. "Trust you, I mean."

Raven's heart hasn't stopped twinging since Gina said the thing about Bellamy; if anything, it got worse when she talked about her own eighteenth birthday, about the girl she loved who wasn't hers, about finding out _no one_ was hers.

"We never had enough food when I was a kid," she finds herself saying. "So my mom never told me this. But I remember hearing that parents say there are starving kids in Africa. If their kids don't finish their meals."

"I've heard that too."

"That's how I feel about soulmates. I get two and some people get none, and I'm not even trying. There are people without soulmates who would love to have this problem."

When Gina squeezes her hand again, Raven turns her own hand over so she can return the gesture. She hasn't just held hands with anyone in a while, and it's nice. Her hand is a little smaller than Raven's, and that's different too. 

Still nice.

"It's not like you asked for them. And, honestly, I don't want your shitty soulmates."

Raven laughs. "Wick wasn't shitty. He just wasn't for me."

"I still don't want him."

"Do you date, though?" she asks. Raven's never seen Gina date anyone, but she liked Bellamy, and she's disappointed, when some people have soulmates. "Jasper is always looking."

"He's not really my type." She smiles. "I'd date. If you know anyone who's looking."

"Other than Jasper."

She squeezes Raven's hand again. "Other than Jasper, yeah."

It's on the tip of her tongue to ask what Gina's type _is_. To ask about that girl, the one in high school, and why Gina liked her. But Raven's never really gotten _type_. She likes the people she likes. For so long, she could only imagine Finn, and even now, she has to measure everything against him. Or, if not _him_ , then how he made her feel.

Because he's her soulmate, right? And that's how it's supposed to feel.

"Thanks," she tells Gina, and Gina finally lets her go to refill her drink.

"Any time."

*

Part of Raven wants to go home for Christmas, except that she doesn't have anywhere to _go_. Her mother is dead. Her father has been dead for longer. Her stepfather doesn't live anywhere she thinks of as home, and he himself isn't anyone she thinks of as home. She'd cross the street to not talk to him.

"You can come to Oregon," says Clarke. "My dad never minds more people."

"Don't come to Texas," says Miller. "It's fucking Texas. I feel bad enough bringing Monty to Texas."

"You don't want to come with us either," says Octavia. "Unless you want to bond with my mom about asshole soulmates. If you do, knock yourself out."

"You don't," says Bellamy. "But Oregon is pretty cool."

"I'm not going home either," Gina offers, quiet, and Raven feels a strange pang in her chest.

"You can both come to Oregon," Clarke says. "Anyone's welcome."

But Raven is thinking that everyone is leaving but them, and it would be--okay. She hasn't had a really good Christmas in a while. Not since the Finn thing. And she'd have fun with Bellamy and Clarke, but she'd still feel kind of alone, she's pretty sure. 

"Or we could just stay here, for free," she says. Only after she's said it does she realize that she's speaking _for_ Gina, like they're a unit now. Gina could want to go to Oregon, or to Vermont, or even to Texas.

But she smiles. "I was thinking here, for free, yeah," she agrees, and Raven stops worrying about it. 

Or, at least, she stops for the next eighteen hours, until Bellamy plops down across from her at her favorite coffeeshop and says, "Gina."

"Nope. Raven. Are you not wearing your contacts?"

"I'm worried about Gina."

That gets her attention, and she snaps right up. "What's wrong with her?"

"You're straight," he says. "Right?"

"And?"

"And that's why I'm worried." When she doesn't have any response to that, he rubs the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable but willing to soldier through. "Look, I'm not--I don't want to tell you what to do or whatever. You're awesome, she's awesome, I love you both. But I'm worried about--" He huffs. "People don't have to say they're straight. That's how it works. But that means you can also kind of--hope, I guess. That they're not and they just haven't mentioned it. So you might want to tell her you're not interested."

Raven just sort of stares at him. "What?"

"You don't have to turn her down or anything. It's not--I doubt you want her getting her hopes up either."

"Getting her hopes up," Raven repeats.

"It doesn't have to be a big thing," he says. "Just--"

"You're such a fucking dad," she says, but it's fond. "Jesus."

"Shut up." He smiles at her though. "I wasn't sure if I should say anything, but--Clarke thought you didn't know, and this seemed like the, uh--the gentlest way. To deal with it."

"And _it_ is--Gina has a crush on me," Raven says, slow.

"Yeah. Not that she said anything," he adds. "But--I think she does."

"You know she had a crush on you?" she asks. 

"Yeah, I figured. I just mention Clarke when that happens and it clears it up."

"Like I should mention I'm straight."

He shrugs. "Just a thought. It's your call, obviously. But--"

"But you don't want her to get hurt."

"I don't want anyone to get hurt."

"You really think she likes me?" she can't help asking, and it's no surprise that his expression shifts, turns thoughtful as he looks at her. 

She doesn't let herself blush.

"Yeah," he says. "I really do. So you should probably talk to her."

"I probably should. Thanks for the pep talk."

"Here to help," he says, and gets out his own laptop so he can work.

*

The truth is, Raven loved Finn from before she knew what she was feeling. Raven loved Finn because he was her best friend, and he took care of her. In a way, she doesn't think she knew how to love anyone but Finn. He felt like her whole world, because her mother was a heartbroken, alcoholic shell, and she didn't have anyone else.

And maybe that wasn't fair to either of them. But even if she did ask for him to be her soulmate, she couldn't make it happen. It's not her fault, that she was right about it. And it's not her fault he didn't want her, any more than it's her fault she doesn't want Wick. Any more than it's her fault for wanting Finn to come back, just so she can tell him she's through with him.

And it's not Gina's fault she hopes everyone she meets and likes doesn't have a soulmate. She's not a bad person for hoping she'll find someone, even when she doesn't have a name on her. She's not wishing something terrible on people, wanting them to not have soulmates.

Raven doesn't know how it would have felt, waking up at eighteen and finding a name that wasn't Finn's. Or no name at all. She doesn't know what she would have thought. It probably would have broken her heart, but her heart broke anyway. It's not a comfort, knowing that she had someone. And she can't know she'd be happier if she never got her hopes up. She can't know that she hates the sight of Finn's name on her hand now more than she would have hated the sight of nothing there for the years she thought they'd be happy together.

She's never thought about girls. She thought about Finn, and then Wick. If she's honest, she didn't really think about Jasper, because she wasn't thinking about anyone then. He barely registered.

But she thinks about Gina all the time. It's not hard at all. And it doesn't have to be anything.

But it seems stupid to decide it _can't_ be anything, without even thinking about it. Without even giving it a chance.

Finn calls again on Christmas Eve, and Raven stares at the phone for a long time, unsure, before she finally picks up. She can tell him how happy Clarke is. If nothing else, she'll enjoy doing that. She could send pictures.

"You picked up," he says, voice breathless with surprise.

"Hey," she says. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas. You didn't come home."

"I am home," she says.

"In Boston, right?"

"Yeah."

"Are you--" He pauses. "I just remember how much Christmas sucked for you. I wanted to see how you were doing."

"Unlike last year, when Christmas was awesome for me."

"Raven--"

"If you're calling me because you want to feel better, I'm not interested."

"I miss you," he says. "Not--you're still my best friend. And I hate not having you in my life. I know I fucked up, I fucked up so much. But I don't want to lose you."

It's not exactly what she wanted. But revenge never feels as good as you want it to. "You already lost me," she tells him. "If you want me in your life, you have to get me back. And I'm not talking about soulmates, that ship has sailed. We're not anything anymore, Finn. And I'm okay with that."

"I know," he says. "And--I'm sorry. I still--you're always going to be my family, Raven."

"Good for you. I've got a new family."

She remembers some small part of why she loved him when he laughs. "Good. I'm glad."

"Me too." She closes her eyes. "You can call again on my birthday."

"What?"

"If you really want to do this. Call on my birthday. And we'll go from there."

She can hear him wanting to argue. There's a kind of hesitation she recognizes in his silence. But maybe he has grown up, because he says, "Okay. Merry Christmas, Raven."

"Merry Christmas."

Maybe platonic soulmates really are a thing. Maybe she's his. Maybe he's her soulmate because she can't get rid of him, because he's a part of her, regardless of anything else. He got her through childhood, and she's not sure she would have survived without him.

Maybe that's enough to make a soulmate. Maybe he earned it.

But she doesn't need him anymore.

Gina's working until eleven; she grabs her coat.

*

The bar is surprisingly crowded, given it's Christmas Eve. There's a bunch of kids about her age in the corner, drunk and yelling about high school, and the bar is packed. But everyone seems pretty happy, which surprises her. It's not depressed drunks with nowhere else to go. It's happy drunks who want to be here, and it's oddly heartwarming.

Somehow, Raven actually found some goodwill toward men.

She finds a spot at the bar and doesn't bother flagging Gina down herself, just watches her. She's beautiful, of course. She's always been beautiful. She's not Raven's soulmate, but that doesn't mean anything, except that Raven didn't see her coming. She wasn't looking.

It's nice, sometimes, to be taken by surprise.

"Hey!" Gina says, when she finally spots her. "I didn't know you were here yet. We aren't closing for another hour."

"I know," she says. "Just wanted to see you," she adds, and Gina's smile softens.

"Drink?"

"Something festive, maybe."

"I've got hot spiked cider."

"Perfect."

She's too busy with the other customers to really hang out with Raven, but it's helping just to just be there. She texts Clarke about Finn, and Clarke is sympathetic, and she and one of the guys at the bar end up chatting about sci-fi for a while, until Gina tells everyone to clear out.

"So, you got plans after this?" the guy asks, hopeful without sounding douchey.

Raven smirks. "Going home with the bartender."

"Nice," says the guy, and offers his fist for her to bump. Raven grants it with her unmarked hand, and he leaves with the rest of the crowd, until it's just the two of them.

"Are you okay?" Gina asks, once the door is locked.

"Fine. Finn called. I told him he can call back on my birthday, if he really wants to be friends."

"Is that what you think he wants?" she asks. It's easier now to recognize the way Gina's voice goes a little distant when she asks about Finn, the slight detachment Raven doesn't think even Gina has noticed.

"It's all he's getting." She shrugs. "He might be my soulmate, but that doesn't mean I like him much. And I'm done with him. Romantically speaking."

Gina nods. "I thought so. Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, yeah."

"Are you still coming over?"

Their plan is to watch a movie, go to sleep, and have a lazy Christmas together. The very thought of it makes Raven feel like her insides are made of hot chocolate. And that was _before_ she'd had anything to drink.

"Unless you don't want me to."

"No, of course." She smiles, all soft and golden. "It was getting me through my shift."

It doesn't feel difficult to reach over and lace their fingers together as they walk back to Gina's. She can hear Gina's breath catch, and she squeezes once. It's _exciting_ ; it's never been exciting like this before.

Soulmates are like having the answer at the end of the book. It's comforting, and it can even be useful. But Raven never liked it. She didn't like that someone could find the solution without doing all the work.

Gina has to let go of her to get her keys, and once they're inside she turns to Raven, face unreadable, except for her bottom lip caught between her teeth.

"Raven--"

"Bellamy thinks you like me," she says.

"I do like you."

"Cool," she says, and cups Gina's face to kiss her.

It is different, kissing a girl. She's never kissed anyone with breasts before, never kissed someone wearing lip gloss before. Gina's hands are softer and gentler as they slide around Raven's neck, but her mouth is warm and perfect, and she wants more like she's burning with it.

When Gina pulls back, Raven follows her, and Gina laughs.

"Bellamy didn't tell me you liked me," she says, sounding giddy.

"He wanted me to let you down easy. He thought I was straight."

"But you're not."

"I'm not really worrying about it," she says. She leans in for another kiss, long and slow. "I want you. If I want a label, I'll figure one out later. I haven't had the best luck with labels."

"This isn't about Finn, is it?" Gina asks, voice small enough that Raven can't summon even a little hurt.

"I know I'm done with him," she says. "When things happen with him, you're the first person I want to see. That's the only reason it has anything to do with Finn. But that's not just him. You're always the first person I want to see."

"Good. I'm going to stop arguing now," she says, and then they're kissing again, hot and hard and perfect, and Raven doesn't need anyone or anything to tell her it's right.

*

Gina gives her a pair of fingerless gloves for Christmas, blushing as Raven unwraps them.

"I just thought they would help," she says. "I wasn't trying to--"

"Trying to what?" she asks, amused.

"I don't care about the name, it's not that. I just--I know you don't like people seeing it. I thought it might be easier if they couldn't."

When Finn's name first showed up on her, it felt like a mark of pride. She didn't think about covering it because once Finn knew, it didn't matter who else did. And after the breakup, keeping the name on display felt like a different kind of statement, a refusal to let Finn win. A refusal to pretend like he didn't exist. A battle scar to show the world.

It didn't really hurt anyone but her, though.

The gloves slide on easily, and she likes the way they look on her hands, like she's getting ready for a fight. Even more, she likes looking down and seeing something from Gina, something she was given, instead of something she just got. 

It's not like she really wants to get rid of Finn's name, anyway. It's just--she's moved past him.

"No," she says. "They're perfect. Now I'm ready to punch anyone who asks me about my soulmate."

Gina laughs and leans in for a kiss. "That was the idea, yeah."

And even if she doesn't have to punch anyone, she likes the gloves. It's not hard for people to guess why she wears them, and even if everyone knows a name must be under it, it adds this barrier, an extra hurdle they have to jump through to get to her backstory.

But the best part is taking them off at night, when it's just her and her friends, and the way that doesn't change anything. She had a soulmate, and it didn't work out. And the second one didn't either. They all know it, and they don't think less of her.

And when Gina pulls off the gloves herself and traces the skin on the back of her hand, not stuttering when she hits someone else's name, not caring at all--

The third time really must be the charm; Raven wouldn't trade that feeling for all the soulmates in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> I DON'T KNOW WHY I KEEP WRITING CHRISTMAS STORIES IT IS JUST HAPPENING


End file.
